I was hanging out with some friends the other day and for some reason they started talking about what they used to watch on television when they were younger. I was expecting an interesting discussion about Fresh Prince of Belair and In Living Colour, but instead they started to talk about 'Barney'. I had never heard of the show, so I naturally asked about it. They told me a bunch of stuff about some dinosaur that was on a kids show.

     That night, I downloaded an episode, hoping to see a dinosaur being badass and making the kids clean his cave after he dragged home another of his many kills, but instead I saw some big purple asshole dancing around and singing with the kids while he held their hands. This is the song they were singing:

The more we get together, together, together,
the more we get together, the happier we'll be.
'Cause your friends are my friends,
and my friends are your friends,
the more we get together the happier we'll be!

     No, the more we get together the happier I will be because the more dead you will be. Also, my friends are not your friends, and if they are I no longer want to know them. And you saying that your friends are my friends is meaningless because you have no real friends because people are afraid of you. The only people that call themselves your friends only say that so that you won't eat them because YOU'RE A DINOSAUR! I decided to rewrite the lyrics so that they better fit your attitude:

The more we get together, together, together,
the more we get together, the happier I'll be.
'Cause your friends are children,
and I like to touch them,
the more we get together the happier I'll be!

     I have decided that I am going to challenge you Barney. If you're a real man, if your testicles are as big as your dinosaur body would suggest, you'll respond to my challenge. Drop me an email and we can arrange a time and a place for our fight to the death.