I Hate People
That's right, I hate people. And I know I'll probably be called a Maddox impersonator/wannabe/rip-off, but I don't care, because anyone who says that is most likely a person, and because of that I hate them anyway. People are just generally horrible for their whole lives. I'm sure there are a few exceptions, but the majority of people are assholes. Men, women, children, elderly people, everyone. So here is my breakdown of problems with each age group, redeeming factors for each age group, and ways to improve.
Babies:
Problems: Babies are just generally loud, they shit themselves all the time, they eat your food, wake you up at unholy hours and just generally cause trouble for anybody around them. They make noise in inappropriate places and at inappropriate times, and they take up time that could be spend doing something interesting.
Pros: Babies are fun for punting. Even a lousy kicker can get one almost all the way over a football field.
Ways to improve: Grow up.
Toddlers:
So they've grown up a little, they're now around the age of 2-5.
Problems: They are still loud, except now they know how to talk. They no longer mess themselves, but they still tend to piss in their pants. They are now eating even more than before, and trying to spend all their time with mommy and daddy. Everything they do is a major accomplishment that mommy and daddy absolutely need to see, and I almost forgot to mention, now you need to toilet train them.
Pros: These are the easiest to make quick cash by babysitting them. Give them a shiny toy and they'll be happy for hours.
Ways to improve: Keep them in school, they'll learn in time.
Children:
Now you've got children from ages 6-11. I'll need to do separate lists for girls and boys as they tend to be different.
Problems:
Males: They tend to be loud, and always end up getting themselves hurt. They throw food down like it's nothing and they make a lot of trouble most of the time at school. Now they are getting into sports, and this can get quite costly.
Females: Not as loud as the boys, but still quite loud, girls usually end up being the more expensive of the two as they constantly ask for anything they see. Sometimes they will also try out for sports, which is a sure sign that your daughter is a lesbian.
Pros:
Males: They make good henchman and good servants. If you need something, these are the people to ask.
Females: They always seem to have a way of getting out of trouble, and sometimes they can help you out of trouble.
Ways to improve:
Males: Shut up, and WATCH sports, don't participate.
Females: Learn that you can't always get what you want. You'll need to know that for life.
Teenagers:
Now you have the 12-18 age bracket.
Problems:
Males: They cause trouble wherever they go, they're very obnoxious and they get into fights. Food disappears whenever they come close to it and guess what? Later on they learn how to drive. Puberty has set in now, and the boys are horny as can be.
Females: Here you need to worry about expensive clothing and eating disorders. Girls tend to be very conscious about their weight and will stop eating if they become a little bit fat. A lot end up sleeping around and now you've got a pregnant daughter.
Pros:
Males: I am a male in this age bracket, which makes it much less horrible.
Females: The older half of this age bracket is often very sexual.
Ways to improve:
Males: Learn to keep your mouth shut and learn that you aren't perfect. Only I am perfect.
Females: Keep your legs shut, stop worrying about your weight and learn to live with Zeller's brand clothing.
Adults:
Adults span the 19-59 years.
Problems:
Males: Now they can drink, and that always causes problems. They still eat and most end up becoming fat. They're still just as horny as ever.
Females: Most end up giving up about worrying about their weight. They end up getting fat and now instead of worrying about your pregnant daughter, you need to worrying about a daughter that just looks pregnant.
Pros:
Males: They make up most of the working world and therefore serve us in most ways.
Females: Well, some of them serve us in the ways that we don't want men to.
Ways to improve:
Males: Live responsibly. That's it.
Females: Lose weight, get plastic surgery and excercise. No fatty can please me.
Old People:
This is from age 60 up.
Problems: They smell bad, they drive slowly, the reminisce about the old days, they always try to give you trouble, the can't go ten minutes without complaining and they get sick a lot which costs money.
Pros: There really is no redemption here. Old people suck.
Ways to improve: Just die.
And that was my analysis on why every person on the face of this planet, with the sole exception of me and maybe a few hot asian girls, is a complete asshole and/or waste of space.