Today I was just about ready to murder my ex girlfriend. She has got to be one of the dumbest chicks I have ever met, and probably one of the cruelest. And I don't mean funny cruel, like telling a young child his mother's never coming back, I mean cruel like destroying a person's mental state.

          I get a call at around 3 AM this morning, and it's my ex girlfriend.

Chris: Hello?

CruelestchickI'veevermetoreverplantomeet: Is this Chris?

Chris: Yeah, who's this?

Dumbass (the other one was too long ) : It's me, Dumbass. I need to tell you something.

Chris: What?

Dumbass: Well... I'm pregnant... it's yours.

Chris:.........

Dumbass:.........

Chris: We never had sex. It can't be mine.

Dumbass: But I've never been with anyone else! It has to be yours!

Chris: There is no way it's mine.

           Dumbass then hung up the phone. So I went back to sleep, and when I woke up I had forgotten about it. I went to school, and I made it through my first and second periods, and then I got to my lunch. I saw this girl, who I've got my eye on, and suddenly I was reminded of the phone call of the previous night. I was pissed. And I don't mean normal pissed. Beating the shit out of an emo wouldn't have helped this type of pissed. I was ready to kill someone.

          Why was I so pissed if it wasn't mine? Well, my first thought was that maybe I had done something and I just hadn't remembered it. So I was thinking ' How dare she go and get pregnant on me when the sex was so unmemorable?'. Then I remembered that that was impossible. So I began to think, ' Even though it's not mine, she's gonna try and pin it on me. And there's no way for me to disprove that until the kids born. In nine months. So I was pissed.

          I was seconds away from picking one of my friends and destroying them, when I got a text from Dumbass. 'hey cris im jking its not yours lol'. I was pissed. I was ready to murder her. There was anger pulsating through me. She had caused me the trauma of a near fatherhood experience. That's worse than a near death experience. Then, when it began to sink in, I realized that that meant that it was not mine AND it was not being pinned on me. I was so relieved I puked. And then after all the puking was done, I had a brisk to clean out my mouth. Brisk AND I'm not a father? It was perfect. And that's why today was the best day of my life. And also why if Dumbass EVER tries to talk to me again, she had better come bearing gifts tranquilizers.