Actually, I might have to take that back. If one of these ladies were to bite be I would probably come down with some disease. Something like sandivaginosis. So never mind, they can't bit me. But they can stay as far away from me as humanly possible. Well, maybe not, since they lost their humanity at age 50, but they can stay as far away from me as they can. Yeah, that works.

          Everywhere I go old ladies look down on me. Walking down the street, shopping for fireworks, beating on emos, any thing I do, the old ladies seem to think that they're better than me. They always try to make me look bad in some way. They never succeed, seeing as I'm human awesome and they're just old women, but they still try. And that gets really annoying. Seriously.

          I was at the convenience store the other day, shopping for some delicious Brisk and beef jerky before I went to hang out with some friends, and I was listening to music as usual. 'Surfacing' by Slipknot was playing, and I went up to the front to pay for my jerky and Nestea ( they've stopped selling Brisk, probably due to the fact that the owner came down with a case of sandivaginosis after one of the old ladies bit him. He lost most of his manliness and he now just sits at home drinking peppermint tea and listening to Good Charlotte. ) . Anyway, I went up to pay, and the lady said ' Could you please either turn your music off or leave?' I was furious. First off, just because the chorus of the song has a few swear words is no reason to make me turn it off. I stated so, and she told me that it was noise pollution. Which is of course complete and utter bullshit. If I had been playing it on normal speakers, it would have been considered quite. It was on headphones however, so of course it's suddenly loud. Bullshit. I ended up putting five dollars ( out of the $6.77 that I needed) on the counter and walking out.

          The next day I had to go to work, and I was washing the dishes, as usual, when my boss walks in with a crying old woman. Her ring had fallen into her food, which had then been carried into the kitchen by the waitress and thrown into the trash. At first I thought that they wanted me to go get the waitress that had done it so that she could fish it out. Nope. They expected me to go digging through the trash to find this lady's ring. So I started digging through, seeing as head office was in that night and if I caused any trouble I was gone. I was searching for about half an hour when the lady's husband came in. He talked to the manager for a few minutes, and then the manager walked away and went back to hitting on the waitresses, like he usually does. The husband walked over to me and explained what had happened. The woman had Alzheimer's and she had lost her ring more than ten years ago. He laughed at the situation. I hit him with a frying pan and then had sex with his wife on top of him just to spite him. Just kidding, nobody has sex with old women.

        And then, earlier today, I was walking down the street and I saw a little old lady trying to open the door to her house. She had forgotten her key and she was stuck out in the cold ( 17°C). Her husband wouldn't be home for another five hours, so she was stuck out all day. I felt sorry for her so I set fire to the house so that she could just step over the rubble and get in. Aren't I a great person? She didn't think so. She started to scream and cry and just generally be a useless piece of shit. She called 911 on me so I kicked her in the tits so hard her ovaries dropped and she became a man. When the police showed up we all just chilled because we were all men now and there were no old ladies to worry about. It was a pretty great day.

          So if you don't want to be the victim of some type of violence, either get younger, become a man, or just stay out of my way. Seriously, that one's probably the easiest and cheapest ( because all old people are poor). If you stay out of my way, the chances of having your tits kicked in drop drastically.