You Worship A Made Up Creature, Shut Up
As you all know, I frequently refer to myself as the SuperPope. What many of you don't know, is that I chose this title for a reason. Every religion out there believes that they are the one true religion, and that they are above all others. Well, upon forming the Church of Steven Tyler, I decided that I would need a title. SuperRabbi didn't sound good, so I decided to go with the title of SuperPope. The Pope part to mock Catholicism and the Super part to imply that I am better than the catholic pope. I figured it would be minorly offensive, but I have received a much larger response than I had expected. It seems that the catholic church in my town has heard of my new title, and I am now hated by the church and many of it's patrons.
But, the way I see it, my religion actually makes more sense than Christianity, Judaism, Hinduism, Muslim, or any of the major religions. Why? Well it's simple, and if you read the title you might have found a small clue. No man has ever seen god or any variant of god. Nobody. Some have claimed to, but you can find most of them in mental institutions. Steven Tyler, on the other hand, routinely performs in front of thousands of people. Many, many people have seen him. He has made women pregnant and had DNA tests confirm that the child is his. Has God done any of these things? Nobody's seen him. And he supposedly knocked up that one Mary chick, but a DNA test probably would have shown that carpenter guy as the father. There weren't DNA tests back then? Well how convenient! And Jesus, I'll admit he existed. But he wasn't the son of a god. He was just another guy. Turn water into wine? Not hard, we have thousands of people working at vineyards doing just that. Brought back a woman from the dead? Even in the 1500's people were buried alive because of a mistake, so why not in the BC's? The same goes for his own death, which I think went something like this:
Jesus: I'm pinned up to this crucifix. This is really painful. I mean, OW!
Romans: Just die already! Sticking you with these spears is tiring.
Jesus: I'll play dead and they'll stop poking me!
*later*
Jesus: Ok, I'm alone in a tomb now. I'll just push aside this stone and walk out. Oh look, the lazy roman's didn't seal the tomb tight enough. Probably because this is thousands of years before they'll learn about diseases. Oh well, I'll just leave.
And that is how Jesus rose from the dead. Which reminds me, why the hell did everyone celebrate when Jesus came back? I mean, if some dead guy just walked into town, I would be a little bit scared, wouldn't you? Dead people shouldn't come back to life. Instead of all the Christians going 'Christ has risen! Hallelujah!', they should have been saying ' Holy shit! Christ has risen... from the grave!'
Again, it's all because he was supposed to be the son of god. What was the proof of this? Him and his mom said so. Well you know what? Retarded kids' parents tell them that there's nothing wrong with them. Does that make it true? Clinton said he didn't have sex with Monica Lewinsky. Was it true? Phatweb's girlfriend keeps telling him that she's not cheating on him. We all know THAT isn't true. The only evidence behind this whole religion is what a few people said, and what four guys decided to write about.
Did you ever notice that the bible is written in 4 parts, but all 4 parts tell the same story, just in different words? That, my friends, is called plagiarism. The first guy wrote it, decided he had a pretty good story and let it out there. Let's say that maybe he and two friends wrote it as a joined effort. The other guy was from years later, so we know he was a plagiarist. But anyway, they let out the story, and people start to read it. Pretty soon, it's gotten itself a nice little cult following. Suddenly, the men who have appointed themselves ' Priests ' are enforcing the rules that were written in the book, and convincing everyone that this book is a true story. That's the formation of a religion.
And now, thousands of years later, these morons have the balls to criticize me for following my own religion? They decide that because it's not their religion it's wrong? At least I didn't write a huge book about it and then force people to be followers of my religion. Only myself and a few friends are part of this religion, and we aren't forcing anything on anyone. So the next time a priest or any other catholic comes up to me and decides they're gonna lecture me on religion, I'll start playing some Aerosmith loud enough to tune them out. See? My religion kicks ass.